1. When you first find out that your hot date is vegan, it can come as a bit of a shock.
Mainly because you thought all vegans wear tie-dyed clothes and live in illegal treetop protest camps, but your date looks normal. Attractive, even.
2. Early in the relationship you find yourself trying things you wouldn’t normally touch with a bargepole.
3. You’ve faced serious dinner disappointment at least once as well, and tried to be polite.
Kale is the work of the devil.
4. But as soon as the honeymoon period wears off, you start saying exactly what you think.
5. It takes way longer to get used to their appalling farts than it takes to get used to their taste in food.
Why do innocent pulses, soybeans, and vegetables turn into such a toxic broth?
6. You’re forced to invent truly weird post-sex snacks based on what you can find in their cupboards at 2am.
7. In fact, you often find their idea of what constitutes a tasty treat totally baffling.
And wondered if vegans have actually evolved different taste buds to other types of people. “Are you seriously just eating a big bowl of peas and sweetcorn? For fun?”
8. But eventually vegan food does start to grow on you, and you bore everyone you know with recipes.
Tbh this is mainly to try to make your sex partner seem a bit more normal to your friends. So you don’t tell them about nutritional yeast.
9. But despite that, meat-eating friends almost never invite you round for dinner as a couple.
You’ve given them ideas, but they just don’t seem to know what to cook for your other half. So you end up having people over way more.
10. You feel sorry for your S.O. at parties and barbecues.
11. It’s great when you first find a vegan product that you really, genuinely like.
And you get in trouble for stealing it, because it costs £5.99 and you can only get it from this one weird shop on the other side of town run by a man called Gandalf.
12. You also discover that loads of foods you already like are actually vegan. Who knew?
13. Despite admiring your boo’s principles, there are some foods you can’t, and won’t, get on board with.
14. You end up learning shit that you really don’t want to know, like the fact “free-range” isn’t really free.
Turns out it just means the chickens are crammed into a big metal barn. So you end up skint because you start buying those eggs that cost £9.99 from hens that live in Highgrove House and get hugged by Prince Charles once a day.
15. You feel a twinge of guilt whenever you eat something that they can’t have in front of them.
16. Unless you’re a bit drunk, then you just wave bits of cheese at them: “LOL YOU CAN’T HAVE THIS!”
17. You’ve ~probably~ made the occasional attempt at becoming vegan if you’re in a long-term relationship.
18. You can’t escape the inevitable arguments about which restaurant to go to.
“OMG they just opened a new vegan raw food organic juice caf…” “No, Greg.”
19. You can’t quite resist taking the piss out of them for not eating honey either.
20. But you get offended on their behalf if anyone else is cheeky to them. After all, that’s your job.
21. At the end of the day, you admire their beliefs and conviction and wouldn’t change them for the world.
Apart from their addiction to shit like kale. Stop eating kale. Stop making us eat kale. Just no.